Reversing Causality
by TheGirlWhoRemembers
Summary: Or: Terry Boot's existential crisis. 'You can do a Protean Charm? But...but that's NEWT level, that is.' A seemingly harmless event triggers a world-shattering revelation for the Fifth Year Ravenclaw.


AN: This is an experimental piece of sorts. Not so much in terms of style, but in terms of the subject matter or theme of the story. I have no idea whether it is the good or bad sort of experiment. You have been warned.

This story is in the same 'universe' and involves the same characterizations and relationships as of my other Harry Potter stories, namely _If Three's a Crowd, Lessons _and _Those of Wit and Learning. _You do not have to have read those for this to make sense.

* * *

'Are you going, Terry?'

Padma turned to her friend one evening in the Common Room.

He nodded.

'Yes. I've been thinking about it since Mike told me, and I've decided. Are you?'

Padma turned away.

'I'm not sure, Terry. Vati wants me to, she did tell me, and she said she was going to drag me to Hogsmeade with her anyway...'

'It's a lot more than a trip to Hogsmeade, Pad.'

She nodded.

'I know. That's why I'm not sure, Terry. It's against all the rules; what if we get caught?'

'It's a risk, Pad, a big one. But it's one worth taking. We need to pass our Defence Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. More importantly, we need to learn how to defend ourselves.'

'So you believe him? For sure?'

'I believe that there's definitely a big threat out there, one that we need to defend ourselves against. Whether it's You-Know-Who or not, I'm not sure.'

Padma sighed.

'I'm not sure at all. On one hand, what the _Prophet _and the Ministry are saying is utter rubbish, but with only Potter's word...I mean, I can't be quite sure. I don't think he's deliberately lying, but he could be mistaken, or perhaps Confunded...'

'The charm should have worn off by now if he was, Pad. But I agree with your point. He could be wrong. But whether or not he is, Cedric Diggory was killed by someone or something, and whatever or whomever that was, they are a threat, and we need to learn how to defend ourselves.'

Padma clasped her hands in her lap.

'Tony, Mike, are they going?'

Terry nodded.

'Of course. Tony's been worked up about DADA all year, he's desperate to pass his O.W.L. And Mike? Well, he's always fancied himself a bit of a Gryffindor, and since Ginny Weasley's going...'

'I should go then, if you all are...'

Terry rested a hand on her shoulder.

'Think about it. It's your choice, Pad.'

'I've been thinking about it since Vati told me about it, I don't know how much more I _can _think about it, Terry!'

He sighed.

'We over-think everything, Pad.'

Padma gazed out the window beside them, up at the night sky.

She took a deep breath.

'I'll go, Terry. I'll go.'

He smiled softly and squeezed her shoulder.

'Goodnight, Pad.'

'Goodnight, Terry.'

And he headed up the boys' staircase without another word.

* * *

'...Because, Lord Voldemort is back.'

Padma shuddered. She knew it was ridiculous, but she couldn't help it. The very name brought fear to her heart. The very name, with the powerful association with terror and horror and evil that it carried, frightened her more than it should.

Michael schooled his face to be blank, to be strong, glancing at Ginny beside him as he did so. She would think less of him if he showed fear, fear of only a name...but then he saw that her face was not a picture of strength either. And so he allowed his fear to show, marvelling at how he prevented it from rearing its ugly head in the first place. _Love is powerful._

Anthony froze. He just froze, like he did whenever he was scared or nervous or anxious. He froze up, unable to move, to speak, to think. It was as if he was under a Body-Bind Curse, and he despaired. If a name could bring him to such a state, how could he possibly ever hope to learn to defend himself?

Terry gave an involuntary twitch. He tried not to, he tried so hard not to react at all, to keep his face in the neutral expression that was the only one most ever saw, but he did not succeed. For one of the few times in his life, he could not keep total control over himself. He could not control his body's reaction, so strong was the fear that overtook him.

And maybe that was when the first cracks started to show.

* * *

'_And did you kill a Basilisk with that sword in Dumbledore's office?'_

Terry had had to know. That particular titbit of information, so smugly told to him by a portrait in the Headmaster's office, had been one that he hadn't been able to confirm by his usual methods of observation.

'_You can do a Protean Charm?'_

He hadn't been as surprised as everyone thought he'd been. It was more an attempt to stop Hermione Granger's babbling and to inform the others what a Protean Charm actually was.

To be completely honest, though, he'd been a little bit surprised. Everyone had observed Hermione Granger's excellent theoretical knowledge. Everyone knew she performed excellently in her tests and exams. But Terry and his fellow Ravenclaws had never observed her practical abilities, those outside the classroom, firsthand. He'd never been quite sure how extensive they were. He'd heard of course, but hearing and observing were two different things.

'_But that's...that's NEWT standard, that is.'_

Again, an attempt to inform the others. And a compliment to Hermione, because the Protean Charm was one that he and Padma had been practicing for weeks, with little success. And maybe a little uncertainty, something rare from him, for reasons that he just didn't know.

'_How come you're not in Ravenclaw? With brains like yours?'_

That was to reassure Padma, and maybe himself, just a little bit.

All three of his friends had picked up on his unease, and the out-of-character manner with which he'd conducted himself.

'_Come off it, Terry! It doesn't matter if Granger can do the Protean Charm and you can't!'_

'_She is the top student in our year for a reason, Terry.'_

'_It's not bothering me, Mike, Tony, but thanks for your concern.'_

That was the truth; it was not his current inability to cast the Protean Charm compared to Hermione Granger's ability to do so that was bothering him.

It bothered Padma, but not him.

'_This is going to make me sound like an awful person, Terry, but...she's better than I am, supposedly...she made it sound so easy...but I've been catching up to her these last couple of years...and I'm a Ravenclaw...and I'm a little jealous, I think...'_

He'd reassured her, told her it was normal to feel a little jealous, a little upset, that she was not an awful person, that she was a very bright witch nonetheless, that while Hermione and Padma were both intelligent, there were be things that Hermione was better at and things that Padma was better at, and to remember that, and not forget it.

But it continued to bother him. That entire incident continued to bother him, for reasons that he could not fathom.

He was not bothered that she could cast a spell that he could not. He would master it soon, he knew, and she _was _Hermione Granger, and one spell did not make a difference at all, really.

He was not bothered that he did not know that. Contrary to popular belief, he was not a stalker. There was no rational reason that he would have that knowledge, and he could live without it. He did not know absolutely everything about everyone and he probably didn't want to.

He was not bothered about her being in Gryffindor, nor her revelation that she was nearly a Ravenclaw. That much had been obvious. She had so many a trait associated with Gryffindor, and many associated with Ravenclaw too. She would have been great in either House. But it was her Gryffindor traits that stood out, mostly. Her thirst for social justice was one. Her somewhat reckless actions, even when a mind like hers should have opposed them. But her intelligence, her intellect, was clearly there too, and if it had been nurtured in Ravenclaw like his had been...

And that was when it hit him. That was when he realized what had been bothering him.

That she would have been just as great a Ravenclaw as she was a Gryffindor, but _that she would have been a different person if she were a Ravenclaw. _

That observation meant that it was not you, your persona, your identity, that determined your House, but rather, your House was what determined you.

And that bothered him.

It shook him.

It cracked his world right open.

It made everything he knew about himself, everything he knew about everyone else, invalid.

Because it made some of his many observations, the observations he based all his knowledge on, the very things that gave him his confidence, invalid.

After all, he'd always thought that a person's qualities determined their House, but if a House determined a person's qualities, then what was a person like without a House?

What would he be like if not a Ravenclaw?

And he brooded another three days.

Michael became convinced that he fancied Hermione, and was brooding over the fact that she'd so obviously get together with Ron Weasley.

Anthony had absolutely no idea, but patted him awkwardly on the back, gave him a Chocolate Frog and stammered that he was there if Terry needed him.

Padma grew more and more worried, and she eventually cornered him in his dorm one evening.

'Terry, are you alright? Well, actually, that was a stupid question, because you're obviously not. I mean, you haven't been yourself lately. I'm not you, so obviously I don't understand...it's just, you always seem so confident, and I've always wondered how...honestly, I don't know how you do it, but you really do seem a little shaken, so I thought about it myself and what I discovered...well, I figured that it would bother you, since it's rather earth-shattering... are you wondering how we'd all be like if we were in different Houses? '

He turned to her.

'You've been thinking about it a lot, haven't you?'

It would have taken Padma hours of thinking and reflection to come to that conclusion, just as it had taken him so long.

She nodded.

'Yes...I've been worried about you, Terry.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Don't be. It scared me a lot too, when I finally figured it out last night. We're Ravenclaws because we are, Vati's a Gryffindor because she is, our Houses shape us so much. I mean, Malfoy, Parkinson, Crabbe, Goyle...they would be different if they were in different Houses. And it's scary because it's world-shaking, it goes against everything we've ever known, and it gives me so many doubts...'

Terry nodded.

'I hate being vulnerable.'

'Me too. I'm sorry, Terry, but I have no idea how to help you. It's still shaking me, honestly...'

'It's okay, Pad. You should go downstairs; I think the other boys will be back soon.'

She smiled wanly at him, slipping out.

He thought.

He thought long and hard, late into the night.

And solace hit him.

His observations, his knowledge, told him about the nature of everyone as the person that they _were_, told him about the nature of himself as he _was_. They told him everything about how things _were. _They didn't tell him about how things _could_ be, who people _could _be, who he _could_ be.

Because that was all they were; a _could, _a possibility that never eventuated.

In practice, this new conclusion didn't affect any of his knowledge of people, of how the world worked.

Sure, it told him of a possibility that could have been, gave him a model of how the world could have been, of how powerful an influence could be as to shape a person's very identity.

But in a way, he'd already known that.

Some traits were inborn, but others were shaped by influences. Without taking every step that they had, people would not be who they were.

He didn't need to know what people could have been. He only needed to know who they were.

He didn't need to know who he could have been. He only needed to know who he was.

Because that was all that mattered, in the end. Who you were. Not who you could have been. Because, really, you could have been many a thing that you weren't.

Terry smiled to himself, and closed his eyes.

He'd share this new knowledge with Padma tomorrow.

Now, he would sleep.

His world was whole again.


End file.
